Suzette Haden Elgin the Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense

A book by the innovative linguist and fiction author Suzette Haden Elgin first published about one-half a century agone however has nifty value today. Elgin's creative work teaches how to place and how to respond to verbal attacks.

Elgin'southward near of import work of nonfiction, The Gentle Fine art Of Verbal Self Defence force, offers original and useful ideas on how to recognize and counteract subconscious insults, allusion, and the questioning of one'south character.

Source: en.wikipedia

A verbal assault is often not recognizable, unless people are trained to see it. Typically, we don't experience good later on we've been attacked, but we are besides unable to specify why nosotros don't feel good. If we experience bad after talking to a particular person and nosotros tin't effigy out why, chances are we've been verbally attacked.

The major construct in Elgin'due south model is the presupposition. Presuppositions are assumptions that we commonly make to speak or empathize the pregnant of a sentence. For example, suppose someone asks, "Why did you lot stop exercising?" That question presupposes that 1) we exercised in the by and 2) we're non in shape.

Presuppositions don't demand to be insulting. They are simply unstated and necessary ideas for understanding what has been said. For case, the statement "Sean kept his promise" presupposes that Sean made a promise.

Elgin gives a full general definition of a presupposition: Something yous know is part of the meaning of the sentence, even though it's not straight stated. The statement "Even you lot could follow that recipe" presupposes that the recipe is piece of cake and that you are non a very good cook. These 2 presuppositions can exist inserted in the statement, although doing so would make information technology wordy and take the sting away from the balmy insult about your cooking. "Even you—and you're not a very good cook—could follow that recipe because it'south so easy."

Well-nigh people practice not realize that verbal violence is being used confronting them because they accept not been explicitly taught virtually presuppositions. The overriding principle is this. Respond to the presupposition, non to the sentence it is subconscious in.

In linguistic theory, the presupposition is in the deep structure of the sentence – the level of ideas. The words actually stated are in the surface construction. To identify the presuppositions, we demand to go under the surface structure and downwards to the deep construction.

Ii steps are involved: i) identify the presuppositions and 2) reply with a neutral request or a remark virtually the presuppositions. Consider the following example. "If y'all actually wanted to lose weight, you wouldn't swallow ii desserts every night." The underlying attack in this judgement is in the unstated presupposition: You actually don't want to lose weight. The main attack is not on your weight simply on your motivation and character. 1 response would be, "What makes you think I don't want to lose weight?"

"If yous really wanted a good human relationship, you wouldn't keep going out with that guy." Similarly, the main attack in this sentence is in the unstated presupposition: You really don't want a good relationship. The response should then focus on why the accuser thinks yous don't want a skilful relationship.

Elgin presents the more complex sentence that begins with "Don't you fifty-fifty care about..."

Don't you even care about your children? Don't you even care about your advent?

A large assortment of phrases can follow the opening question, "Don't you lot fifty-fifty care nearly," such as "your wellness," "your teaching," "your friends," "the minimum wage," "global climate change."

The same 3 presuppositions use with each of these subjects: 1) Yous don't care, 2) Yous should care, and three) Therefore y'all should feel bad virtually yourself. Maybe you exercise desire to become more active in helping to solve economic inequities or environmental bug, but the presuppositions are still dissentious.

The "Don't you even care well-nigh" question can be addressed personally or behaviorally. You could simply say "No" when the answer is obviously "Yes," thereby pointing out the wrongness of the question. That works with someone, once. The next time, that person will exist prepared. Or you could launch into a long, caring discussion, showing with your knowledge and your devoted fourth dimension that you really practise care.

Or y'all could take the linguistic approach of Elgin. Identify the presupposition and brand a remark or neutral asking nigh this presupposition. For example, if someone asks, "Don't you even intendance about your didactics?" you could respond, "When did y'all showtime start thinking I had no interest in my pedagogy?"

That's a practiced start, just when the conversation continues, keep questioning the presuppositions and non the sentence they are hidden in. Follow through, focusing on the deep structure of the sentence, and not the surface structure. Consider the following straightforward example between a supervisor and a squad leader, Marie.

Supervisor: Don't yous even care that you're barely making your sales quota? By non excelling to a higher place your individual goal, you're not but setting a bad example, you're besides non helping the younger members of your team.

Marie: Jonathan and Sarah are making even fewer sales than I am. Why don't you talk to them?

Supervisor: Because I'thousand not their supervisor. I'm yours.

Marie: Well, it's not consistent and it's not fair. Besides the sales goals are unrealistic.

This is a counterproductive approach. By attacking two other squad leaders, Marie accepts the 3 presuppositions of "Don't you even care?"

Here is a different arroyo.

Supervisor: Don't you even care that yous're barely making your sales quota? Past not excelling higher up your individual goal, you're not only setting a bad instance, yous're besides not helping the younger members of your team.

Marie: You've been my supervisor for two years now. When did y'all offset start thinking that I was indifferent to my own performance and the well-existence of my team?

Supervisor: After the fifth time I told y'all to get your sales upwards. I said that y'all were non just hurting your own continuing with the company but jeopardizing everyone you're in charge of.

Marie: A supervisor should know better than that. What makes you think that the markets will modify and sales volition increase simply by scolding me?

This is verbal judo, not karate. Instead of landing blows against an opponent, as karate does, this approach uses the other person'south momentum to defend your self. Instead of attacking back or retreating with excuses, exact judo takes what the accuser says to betrayal the unreasonableness of the presuppositions.

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Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/defining-memories/201908/verbal-self-defense

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